It’s been awhile since I’ve waxed poetic on here and I thought it’s about time to share some of my thoughts on where I’ve been….where I am….and where I’m going….
There would have been lots of words to describe a person like me just a few years ago, and they might have read like this:
Driven….Productive…..Self Assured….Effective Manager….Efficient….
…those are the things that assured success in the world called “corporate “.
Now, just a few years later, my skin bristles to even think about who that was.
She was self-centered; she was fearful of not being in control; she was afraid that it would all fall apart if she didn’t handle every miniscule detail; she didn’t ever want to fail because it meant she wasn’t good enough.
Enter “The Repurposing”….
At some point I became acutely aware that living life this way, was certainly not what was intended for me, and that I had to change my thinking…..
The laws of thought really do govern our life path, and I know that our soul (mind-will-emotions) attracts that which it secretly harbors; (that which it loves, and also that which it fears). Unless I wanted my life to reflect those things which I now found distasteful, I had to surrender.
Now, having a life change forced on you by your circumstance is one thing, and learning how to live and walk through that is entirely different than what I have been / still am walking through. I’ve not lived through a corporate layoff, downsizing, or anyone else telling me my career world ( the way I knew it) was done with.
At any day, at any moment, I could still SO EASILY revert back to my thoughts which say:
“you can do so much more”;
“you are wasting your time and your life”;
“you are earning less than half of what you should be, and are depriving your family”.
…and it would be so EASY to jump back into that corporate lifestyle and accept the lies that governed me for so long.
It is because I make the choice to ignore those voices that I am misunderstood. It is because this has not been forced on me that people think I’ve ‘lost my mojo’.
All because I chose a better way.
The way I’ve chosen demands me to think less of myself, and to not incessantly chase some invisible goal of ’success’….
The way I’ve chosen compels me to live knowing that I could ‘be more productive and earn my ’supply’ , but I choose to trust instead…humbling my own thoughts of who I am and what I”m capable of.
The way I’ve chosen dictates that I open my eyes to see how much we still have that we don’t need; how we live wastefully even when our consciousness states that ‘we need more’.
The way I’ve chosen puts alot more emphasis on the organic movings of our family rhythym rather than some forced schedule that accomodates my needs.
I don’t see a visible end. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. On so many days I still yearn for the ’solution’, for the ‘why I did that’ to emerge.
Because I still look for the end, I know that I’m still on the path, and have not yet been completely transformed in my thinking. There is still much work to do and probably always will be.
And yet….
I see someone who reflects a new creativity.
I see someone who reflects a new flexibility.
I see someone who bends her schedule and plans to fit those of others.
I see someone who gives generously.
I see someone who is able to respond with wisdom
It’s because I’ve ignored the pull of what others think or say….I no longer perform for anyone’s benefit, I don’t worry too much if I’m ‘getting it’; or if it fits someone else’s vision of ‘what I should be’.
I’m me.
I think I’m finally seeing that a strong will is not the blessing that an “A-type” is often labelled with.
A strong will is what keeps us from receiving. A strong will keeps us from hearing. A strong will keeps us from experiencing grace. A strong will is a mountain-high fence erected to keep us safe from the unknown….and yet guess what? The unknown is a much safer place than we give it credit for….
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I just am.
Come what may.
I am loved; supplied for; cared about; special; part of a plan; never forgotten; broken; fixed; forgiven; hugged.
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Part of the REPURPOSING journey for me, for sure has been learning about the ability to tap into a source so satisfying that things of this life, are growing strangely dimmer and dimmer – there is so much that just doesn’t matter or take priority with me any more.
I rest differently now. I rest in a knowing that I matter in all the right ways, and I don’t hold any false positions or ranks in all the wrong ways. My perspective has shifted, my wants are few, my desires dimmed. This is not a process that I could have initiated, planned, or plotted through any 5, 8 or 18 step program….this could only come about by own willingness to give up, give in, give over, give all.
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